You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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