she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
