my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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