I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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