I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize