highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
