So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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