You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
