he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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