I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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