I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
