I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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