I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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