dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
