my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
