I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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