What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
