if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I didn't shave. On purpose
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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