she woke up with a sticky ear
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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