if i can run in heels then i can drive
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
