she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
