So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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