Pappa wants mamma naked
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
