If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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