Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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