Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
