the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The power of my boobs compel you
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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