I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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