I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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