I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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