i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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