FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
