That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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