I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
