Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
