You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
