Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
