Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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