Having a random hookup so left but love u
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
