My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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