Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize