and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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