1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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