No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
