You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
