I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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