Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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