i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
