I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
