ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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