wanna go halves on a baby?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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