apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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