Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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