He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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