Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
