Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
