I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry about my life...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
