I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
be right there i have to get my cape
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
