That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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