Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
