Moan for me like Helen Keller
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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